There are days I look at my little guy and realize I have everything. Love, light, happiness, purpose, strength; all in one little bundle of amazing energy. In these moments I’m content, happy, fulfilled, and the daily worry that sits in the back of my mind disappears. I am in the moment. I am trying to be in the moment more and more, to be intentional about how I spend my energy and to keep it positive. Most days I achieve this goal, and I am very very proud of it. I truly believe happiness is a choice, and it’s almost the norm for me. Almost.
Yet, there are moments when I realize all the ways I am failing. If failing is too strong of a word, perhaps lacking is a better description. I look at the world and think about the life I want to give my son, things and experiences that are important for me to give him, that he doesn’t even know about or expect yet. When I think about these “what if’s” I wonder how I’m going to do it. I can’t imagine there’s a parent out there that doesn’t want the world for their children, and despite the varying circumstances of health and wealth, I wonder if any of us actually achieve it all? Are we setting ourselves up for failure?
Today, I’ve overwhelmed with the thought of financially planning for his future. Not just because its so challenging to think about twenty years from now when I’m still thinking about next month. But I have to do something. Luckily, I’ve found a brilliant independent financial adviser who’s been able to create a plan and break it down for me in terms I understand and in a financial way that even I, as a single parent on a freelancer’s budget, can afford. In this I am feeling accomplished, knowing that as soon as I start this plan, there will be a bit of relief. But first, I have to start it. I’m hesitating on pulling the trigger. Why? I don’t know. Its probably because its got me thinking about all the other “big” plans that I have; the life I always thought I’d have, the things and experiences I always thought I’d be able to give my children. In this, I am lacking, very behind in the game, and it becomes a bit overwhelming. I know I’m a good mother, but sometimes, I’m failing.
Perhaps some of this is coming from watching the successes and accomplishments of others. I know we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to one another, but it’s hard not to. I find this especially difficult when I identify with like minded people of the same age and interests. I’m so happy for their accomplishments, yet it makes me question myself as to why I haven’t achieved these similar things as well. I know I’m probably just beating myself up over things that I can’t change while stuck in this mindset, and to make the change I have to start from within. Instead of feeling like a failure, I should be celebrating this one small victory of making a plan, and be happy for my friends (which I truly am!). Its not from a place of envy or jealousy that I’m coming from, but from a place of internal disappointment of the lack of achieving my own goals. I have always been a perfectionist; competitive, driven and confident. And for the most part, I’ve been successful in life. Parenting has been the biggest test to these traits and I can only hope that with determination, focus, and forgiving (myself), that I can be the best parent to my son, and achieve the goals I set for us.
On days I feel like I’m failing, I guess I just need to get down on the ground and play some more with my bright blue eyed boy. Because really, I have a lot of good in my life and its OK to fail some days, so long as I pick myself back up, try again tomorrow.